HOUSTON, TX – Meeting at the site of the Final Four for this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament, Bill Hancock, executive director of the BCS, and six conference commissioners agreed to simply call off the tournament and have Ohio State play Kansas for the championship. Citing “just too much madness” in the tournament this year, the keepers of the sacred bowl tradition of college football decided that too many “little sisters of the poor” had risen up and exposed parity in the sport.
“There’s only one way to keep the balls of college football in the vice we have them, and that is to maintain the illusion that our conferences are superior to everyone, always,” said Mike Slive, commissioner of the SEC. “Watching Vanderbilt go down to an especially dirty little sister of the poor was gut wrenching. Imagine if this charade were allowed to continue, why, those bastards could beat Florida in the Final Four and Kentucky in the championship! I just couldn’t allow this to stand, not with that possibility looming.”
Jim Delany, the Big Ten commissioner, had a slightly different take.
“I really don’t care about my conference as a whole, just as long as Ohio State gets to the top every time,” Delany said. “Those notorious choke artists don’t stand a chance to get past Kentucky, Syracuse or North Carolina. The thought of facing the SEC just makes me soil myself. We had the best regular season at Ohio State so our just reward should be automatic advancement to the championship game.”
“To be fair, I’m glad some of these little douchebags had their chance to showcase their incredible ability to prep for one game and get lucky,” said Hancock. “But we all know they couldn’t make it to the end anyway, so let’s just cut to the chase. It’s been a great exhibition of ballsy play calling and hail marys from those wretched mid-majors. But most of America already picked Kansas and Ohio State to play in the big game, so let’s cut the nonsense, give the little guys a pat on the back and send them on their way.”
When asked about parity in college athletics, the commissioners and directors were all quick to vehemently deny any such thing.
“Parity? Give me a break,” said Big East commissioner John Marinatto. “Have you seen recruiting figures? Our six conferences are clearly superior in every way to these upstart hooligans. I mean, just because any team can beat any other team on any given day doesn’t mean there is parity at all. Louisville and St. John’s were clearly the better teams in those matchups.”
Dan Beebe could not be reached for comment as Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott had gone through Beebe’s home and robbed him blind. Bill Hancock did have some closing remarks after the grand council.
“We just can’t risk any more little sisters of the poor rising up and embarrassing us,” said Hancock, getting a bit choked up. “This madness has got to end now. Everyone got their worthless post season exhibition game, now let’s cut the crap and watch Ohio State play Kansas in an epic duel of traditional powerhouse programs. Besides, image the chaos if George Mason, UNLV, Xavier, VCU, Oakland and Memphis all followed the examples of their mocked and neglected brethren. What kind of ‘playoff’ would we have then?”
“The madness began when VCU knocked off USC and it has only gotten more maddening since,” he continued. “If this tournament has shown us anything it’s that a playoff to determine a collegiate champion is not at all exciting. Everyone filling out their brackets has already predicted Kansas and Ohio State to meet in the championship. Let’s just give the fans what they are asking for. We obviously have a fair and simple way of determining champions with the BCS formula. We should just go to where this boring, uneventful and predictable tournament is taking us.”