In a puzzling display of stupidity, Bill Hancock, Executive Director of the Bowl Championship Series, called a press conference this morning to make a “special announcement” regarding professional basketball. Perplexed reporters from both college football and the NBA showed up, wondering what purpose could have possibly brought them together. Hancock quickly put the questions to rest when he boldly cut the NBA season short and declared the matchup for the championship game to be played in just over a month.
“First, I would like to congratulate the NBA on an impressive season,” said Hancock. “As we know, nothing is more precious or highly regarded than a regular season in sports. With all teams now having played at least 13 games, more than enough to determine the best teams, the BCS has decided to cut short the inexplicably long regular season of the NBA to declare the Chicago Bulls and Oklahoma City Thunder the two top teams in the league. They will meet in the championship game about 5 weeks from today in an arbitrary and neutral location so as to maximize inconvenience to the fans of each team and line the pockets of the city who hosts the game.”
Bewildered reporters in the room tried to gather their thoughts before putting some questions to Hancock.
“Mr. Hancock, isn’t the BCS only in charge of college football? Why are you calling the NBA season?”
“Well, I think the answer to your silly question is obvious,” continued Hancock. “What better way to enhance the importance of the sacred regular season than to make every game count? We polled a handful of coaches as well as random other folks to help us know which two teams were best. We even plugged some numbers into fancy computer formulas. There is no question about it, Chicago and Oklahoma City are the two best teams this year.”
The puzzled reporter probed deeper with a follow up question.
“Yeah but you didn’t answer the question. Just why are you sticking your nose into the NBA? Shouldn’t your toxic influence be contained to only college football? Why must you taint other sports?”
“I beg your pardon!” shouted Hancock. “College football is the greatest sport on earth! We have the greatest regular season on earth! We are simply trying to make other sports as great as ours!”
The back and forth continued through much of the day. As reporters slowly accepted what was happening, they began with the more serious questions.
“So why Chicago and Oklahoma City? I mean, most of these teams haven’t played each other yet. How can you know they are the best?”
“Well that’s simple,” retorted Hancock. “the Thunder had impressive wins over Orlando, Boston, Dallas, San Antonio and others. Their only losses came to strong teams like Dallas and Portland. They really played a tough schedule. And have you seen that Kevin Durrant? Can you spell MVP?”
“Ok, then why Chicago?”
“Chicago is the obvious No. 2 team,” continued Hancock. “Just look at those impressive wins, the Lakers, Clippers, Hawks, Magic…and just 3 losses? Now, they play in a much weaker eastern conference, so that gave Oklahoma City the edge as the No. 1 team in the computers. But that doesn’t take anything away from their great season. They really earned a spot in that title game. I can’t wait to see who holds up the crystal basketball.”
A few sobs could be heard in the room as people who were poised to win their fantasy basketball leagues were denied the chance with the season being cut short. A few others couldn’t believe it wasn’t the Lakers playing in the championship game.
“So Mr. Hancock, why did the Lakers get passed on? Surely the voters had them in the top two?”
“Of course they did,” said Hancock. “But the computers really punished them for that sorry loss to the Kings. Even though it was on the road, the computers determined that getting Jimmer’d was an instant disqualification. Besides, we wanted to hold the championship in LA, so to keep it a neutral site that worked great. Now both fans will have to travel, meaning airfare, hotels, restaurants and recreational activities will be equally inconvenient to both sides, the only fair way to go. And of course all that ticket revenue will go to the executives running the championship. But its ok, the Lakers still got a good deal in one of our premiere Valentine’s Day exhibition matchups against Atlanta.”
“But wait, isn’t…”
“Enough!” yelled Hancock, clearly annoyed at all the questions. “You are all going to have to accept that your pathetic playoffs never generated the kind of revenue or excitement possible under the BCS. We are making things better! As we speak we are negotiating with the NFL to get the Packers and Patriots into the Super Bowl without any more playoff nonsense. The NCAA has already agreed to pit Syracuse and Kentucky in their championship game and forgo their boring tournament. And hockey fans will be happy to know the Rangers and Blackhawks are playing for the Stanley Cup in just a couple of weeks. Thank you and that is all for now.”